


The Shatterdome: The Worst Bar in Hong Kong

by bat_country



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen, M/M, Total crackfic, rated it teen just for some foul language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-27
Updated: 2013-09-27
Packaged: 2017-12-27 18:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/982205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bat_country/pseuds/bat_country
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not even in the SLIGHTEST BIT should this be taken AT ALL seriously. This is an alternate universe in which (most of) the members of the PPDC are owners of The Shatterdome, the worst bar in Hong Kong, akin to a certain Paddy's Pub. As for the kaiju, the actual PPDC in this universe are taking care of it. Without <i>these</i> losers working at The Shatterdome. It is a terrible, terrible place. The staff just argues and drinks their own beer all the time, and it’s probably bad for business that the sign often says “CLOSED” even when it’s not, but the fact remains that The Shatterdome somehow still makes money. How does this place stay in business?! </p><p>(Spoiler alert: It’s because word of mouth tells you that all of the owners and waitstaff are mind-bogglingly attractive. <i>That’s</i> how.)</p><p>(Also sometimes there is a DJ and he's super hot too.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shatterdome: The Worst Bar in Hong Kong

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not take this seriously. It was written because of [this Pacific Rim AU photoset](http://baldwinboy5ive.tumblr.com/post/61296257707/pacific-rim-au-the-shatterdome-is-the-worst-bar), and all characters are completely out of character to make the AU work. Everyone except Hannibal Chau, that is. 
> 
> There may be some mistakes because I had no beta, but this thing is so ridiculous it really didn't need one anyway. 
> 
> Lots of apologies to everyone for this. Lots.

 “Hey, Stacker –“

 

“Ugh, I _told_ you, Mako, when I am spinning my tunes, call me by my DJ name!”

 

“Oh, sorry. Hey, DJ Phat Stacks – you left your medicine on the counter last night,” Mako said, dropping a small tin on Stacker’s laptop.

 

The critic from the local newspaper looked around, bewildered. The bar, called The Shatterdome, was absolutely _packed_ although the neon sign outside said "CLOSED." The noise level coming from the place was the only reason he'd tried the door when he arrived to do his review. He had to admit that despite everything, the music wasn’t bad. Unfortunately, it still wasn’t loud enough to drown out the arguing coming from the two of the owners of the bar. Though they had started off screaming in English, they screamed for awhile in German, and now they had switched back to English. This was likely due to the fact that they spoken in English to brush off a girl who was trying to place a drink order.

 

“Look, just let us settle this argument, first,” Newt said. He waved her off, giving two short whistles as he waved his hand as though dusting something away.  He turned to Hermann and continued, “I bet you anything they would hire us.”

 

“They’d hire _me_ ; they wouldn’t want anything to do with _you_.”

 

“Shut up, Hermann, I actually majored in biology.”

 

“You failed all your classes.”

 

“Due to a technicality! I was smart enough to pass all the exams, which I actually showed up for!” Newt was gesticulating wildly with one hand as he held a beer with the other.

 

“Lecture attendance is a big part of your class grade, and they _would_ hire me, because I had a minor and I passed all of mine.”

 

“Well, you know what? Three-quarters of a major is bigger than a whole minor.”

 

“I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

 

“That doesn’t surprise me!”

 

“Well, it shouldn’t, because what you said is really stupid, you know.” Hermann rolled his eyes and took a swig of beer, turning around as if to shut out Newt.

 

“ _You’re_ stupid if you think the PPDC’s going to benefit from having somebody crunch some fucking numbers for them.”

 

“All right, Newton, one more quip like that out of you, and I shall put the donuts on the high shelf,” Hermann growled.

 

“What’s this all about?” said Chuck, walking up to the bar counter.

 

“Hermann and I are talking about getting hired by the PPDC,” Newt explained. “Hermann thinks they wouldn’t go for me. I say I would do amazing work studying the kaiju.”

 

“Yeah, right,” said Chuck as he barked out a laugh.

 

“No, seriously –“

 

“Stick to your janitorial duties, Newt,” Chuck cut him off and reached over the counter to pour himself a beer. “The PPDC can handle the kaiju without you jokers.”

 

Newt harrumphed at him as Chuck stalked off again with his drink, and began chatting with some people at a different table.

 

The critic sighed in disgust. He felt he needed to at least order one drink before writing a full review, so he tried in vain to once again flag down the waitress. Mako was trying to tell a story to one of the other bar patrons sitting in a booth. “Excuse me, miss? I’m still waiting on that wine.”

 

“Can’t you see I’m busy?” she snapped at him. “Get your own damn wine.”

 

He was beginning to lose his cool. “You’re the waitress, aren’t you?”

 

Mako ignored the question, and tilted her head in the direction of Newt and Hermann. “Why don’t you try those losers over there?” With that, she walked away.

 

Newt actually overheard this despite the noise level of the bar. He scowled at the critic and threw up his free hand. “Why me? I shouldn’t be bartending! I’m a janitor, for crying out loud!” He, too, took his leave, going into the back office of the bar. Hermann picked up his cane from where it was leaning against the counter and begrudgingly followed suit.

 

The critic’s jaw dropped. Was no one going to serve him?

 

The critic noticed that a man in a fedora and bow tie was sitting at the table next to him drinking a glass of milk. Now where had _that_ come from?

 

“Excuse me,” he asked the man. “How can I get a drink here?”

 

The man took a gulp of milk, and said, “Don’t know, I always bring mine.”

 

Chuck leaned over from the next table and clapped a hand on the man’s shoulder. “We had to cut Tendo off an hour ago."

 

"They won't give me any more of their shitty coffee!" Tendo screamed.

 

"Cut him off from coffee, that is.”

 

The critic was about to give up when he noticed that the girl who had been trying to order a drink earlier was just walking up to the counter again and serving herself. He approached her and said, “Is that the only way that anybody can get a drink around here?”

 

“Oh, sometimes,” she responded. “Here, you can have this one,” she said kindly, giving the critic a tall, frosty glass of beer. She reached over the counter and got herself another one and poured herself another beer on tap. “Sometimes they’re better and they actually take drink orders, but it looks like today’s just one of those days, you know? You should see how impossible it is to get a drink when it's Ukrainian Hard House Night. I’m Mina, by the way.”

 

“You’re here a lot?” the critic asked incredulously as the two sat down.

 

“Oh, yeah, totally. This is the best bar in Hong Kong.”

 

“What?!” the critic blurted out. “I’m sorry, but _what_?”

 

“Well, all right, so it’s not exactly the cleanest. Or the friendliest. And the selection of beers on tap isn’t the greatest.”

 

The critic raised an eyebrow.

 

The girl continued, “And, well, if we’re being honest, I guess it isn’t the safest, either.”

 

The critic’s eyes darted towards the large, ornately-dressed man sitting in the corner booth before he could stop himself. The man sat quietly, his expression unreadable behind opaque glasses, and he was surrounded by what could only be described as henchmen.

 

“Oh, yeah,” the girl confirmed. “There have been a few stabbings in here.”

 

“Hey, now, stabbings have been _down_ this past year!” Chuck’s voice boomed over the critic and the girl. Chuck walked up to their table and slammed his beer down as he spoke.

 

“They sure have,” the girl agreed, smiling up at Chuck.

 

Chuck gave the critic a look that clearly said he was sizing him up. “You don’t have to worry, sir. While danger may linger, _I_ am the levelheaded bouncer who keeps violence in check. Like Swayze in _Road House_.”

 

Suddenly, a different man walked up to the table with an incredulous look on his face. “'In check’? There have been _many_ stabbings in here, Chuck! I feel unsafe here every single day.”

 

“Shut up, _Raleigh_ ,” Chuck said, drawing out the other man’s name like it was an insult. “Like I said, stabbings have been _down_.”

 

Now the critic’s eyes were darting around even more nervously than before. He was about to speak, but realized his voice would not be heard over the raucous arguing that had broken out between Chuck and Raleigh.

 

Just then, the door of The Shatterdome slammed open, and in walked three men. They appeared to be identical triplets. No sooner had they stepped into the door than all the people in the bar – owners, waitstaff, and patrons alike, save for one lone restaurant critic – shouted “HEY-OHHHHHH!”

 

“There they are!”

 

“When I say ‘CRIMSON’ you say ‘TYPHOON’! CRIMSON!”

 

“TYPHOON!”

 

“Weis are in the house, Weis are in the house, Weis are in the house!” chorused several of the patrons, doing a coordinated dance to accompany their chant.

 

The critic gawked at the scene unfolding around him. He, of course, recognized the Wei triplets – international heroes who piloted the jaeger Crimson Typhoon. He was unsurprised when Cheung, Hu, and and Jin were given drinks on the house. Still, something puzzled him.

 

The critic turned to Mina and finally asked what had been on his mind all night. “All right. I’ll bite. I don’t get it. Clue me in, folks. Free drinks for jaeger pilots, people serving themselves off the tap, none of the staff even paying any attention to the customers, people getting _stabbed_ – how does this place even stay in business?! I mean, the customer service isn’t awful, it’s nonexistent.”

 

Mina raised her eyebrows at the critic, and said, “Did you _see_ those guys?”

 

“What guys?”

 

“You know, the bouncer and the other waiter?”

 

“What about them?”

 

“Mind-bogglingly beautiful, the both of them,” Mina said, a dreamy look crossing her face. “Oh, and then there’s Oswald, too. Come meet my buddies.” She grabbed the critic by the arm and dragged him to a table, where another girl and two guys were sitting.

 

“This is Jen, CJ, and Oswald.”

 

The penny dropped. The critic snapped his fingers and said, “ _You’re_ Oswald of ‘Oswald’s Food Adventures’!”

 

“Hey, that’s right! You read my blog?”

 

“Sure,” the critic shrugged. He liked to try to keep up with what others were saying about the places he reviewed, and Oswald’s Food Adventures was one of the most popular local food blogs. “But I don’t always have time to check all the blogs. You reviewed this place?”

 

“Oh, yeah,” Jen piped up. “People started pouring in after Oswald’s reports.”

 

“But… but _why_?” the critic could only stammer.

 

“Mako’s _beautiful_ ,” CJ said with a deep sigh.

 

“I’m just here for the Hansens,” Jen said, a lecherous grin spreading over her face.

 

" _Everybody here_ is beautiful," Oswald said definitively.

 

“Everyone who came to The Shatterdome after reading the blog soon found out that Oswald wasn’t exaggerating about how everyone who works here is ridiculously attractive,” Mina said.

 

“That’s stupid,” was all the critic responded with.

 

"Well, word of mouth does wonders for business," CJ said. 

 

“One time, Newt and Hermann kissed in front of everybody and Oswald immediately went to go post about his feels on his blog,” Mina said seriously.

 

“There was a line _out the door_ the night after that post went up,” CJ said.

 

“Gosh, and that was when I realized I needed to be doing this in real time,” Oswald said, indicating the Twitter app on his phone. He said out loud slowly as he typed, “Weis in the house tonight.”

 

“Don’t you even have a modicum of professional integrity?”

 

“But my blog is a hobby,” Oswald said defensively.

 

“Well, the sentiment still remains. How can you possibly feel okay about recommending a venue to your readers where they could potentially get _stabbed_?”

 

“Look, you’re new here,” Oswald said. “You don’t get it yet. Most of the people are just here for the eye candy, but a few of us are regulars who come hoping to catch a glimpse of Green Man.”

 

The critic could not believe that things could possibly get worse. He almost didn’t want to know. He sighed and closed his eyes as he tried to convince himself to get out while he still could. But then he found himself asking, “All right. What’s Green Man?”

 

“Green Man is Newton Geiszler’s alter ego,” CJ explained. “Oswald and I are the only ones of us who’s ever had a sighting, and even then it was too fast to get a photo.”

 

The critic did not respond, but looked at the four of them pointedly for them to go on.

 

CJ continued, “Let me clarify. Green Man is when Newton Geiszler gets so worked up that he puts on a full-body, bright green, skin-tight, spandex suit.”

 

Oswald’s face took on a somber expression. “It’s revealing.”

 

“It’s revealing for sure,” CJ confirmed. “And even though he can’t see a thing in it, he puts those big glasses of his back on over the Green Man suit.”

 

“He truly can’t see a thing. I heard he once groped Chuck Hansen for about five minutes thinking it was Hermann Gottlieb,” Oswald said.

  
"I heard it was _ten_ ," said Mina. 

 

The critic frowned as he said, “I can’t imagine what Green Man must look like at all.”

 

“Well, neither can a lot of folks. And that’s why you get so many of them coming here, night after night, hoping to catch a Green Man sighting for themselves!” Jen explained, clearly frustrated. “I’ve been coming for weeks and I’ve _never_ seen Green Man.” She paused, and then added, “Okay, so I’m just here for the Hansens, _and_ Green Man.”

 

The critic looked almost tempted. But then, he came to his senses, and waved a hand emphatically as he finished off his beer. “I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I can’t in good conscience recommend that people come to this bar. I would be endangering their lives and probably their health, too. I mean, that Newt guy isn’t really a janitor, is he?”

 

“He is, but he doesn’t really clean,” Mina said with a shrug.

 

“He’s about as much of a janitor as Chuck is a bouncer,” CJ offered.

 

“Well, this place is about as unsanitary as –“ the critic began to say, but then suddenly let out a bloodcurdling shriek. “What was that?! Something just crawled over my foot!”

 

“Probably a rat. I guess it heard you talking about them,” Mina said with a chuckle.

 

“A _rat_?! Are there no health inspectors here?”

 

Suddenly, there was a large bang, and a hush fell over the bar as all eyes fell on Raleigh Becket, who was staring down a bar patron.

 

“What’d you say to her?” Raleigh demanded of the other man.

 

Oswald leaned over and whispered to the critic. “Ten to one this is because that guy hit on Mako.”

 

“You don’t talk to her like that!” Raleigh raged. “She is a strong, beautiful woman, and she is not an _object_ for you to take home! You have just wasted her time by what you’ve just said to her, and you’re lucky you only _spoke_ to her. If you’d laid a hand on her, I’d kick you out of The Shatterdome right now!” Now everyone in the bar was quiet and staring as Raleigh continued yelling at the man.

 

“ _You waster of Mako’s time, on your feet!_ You are not worthy of occupying this bar stool!”

 

The horrified man that Raleigh had been shouting at immediately jumped to his feet. Raleigh grabbed the bar stool he had been sitting on, carried it over his head, and threw it out an open window. Now calm, Raleigh returned to the bar counter as though nothing had happened.

 

Slowly, conversation returned to the bar, and the noise level was back to what it had been before Raleigh had thrown the bar stool. The critic leaned in and whispered to his table mates, “What the hell was that all about?”

 

“I think it’s like a show of dominance thing,” CJ said with a shrug. “You see how he didn’t kick him out? Now if the guy leaves before he’s finished his beers, he’s lost. But until he leaves, on his own terms, he’s gotta stand.” The critic looked around. Sure enough, the bar was a packed full house now, with no more empty seats. He shrugged. Whatever that display was about, it was the last straw.

 

“That’s it. I’ve had enough. I’m leaving,” the critic said, standing up. “Thank you for your time, but I hope you all come to your senses and stop coming here and feeding the egos of these horrible people.”

 

The critic made his way out the door of The Shatterdome and was fumbling for his car keys when he tripped and fell over something that had not been there when he entered the bar. He fell flat onto his face with a large splash into an inflatable kiddie pool.

 

He came up sputtering and gasping from the sudden shock, and looked at a man who looked suspiciously like Chuck Hansen. He was casually lounging back in the kiddie pool, beer in one hand, and dressed in board shorts. “Fancy a swim?” he asked.

 

“No! Why did you – what –“ the critic could only say, now soaking wet as he stood up and stepped out of the inflatable pool. Taking in the scene around him, the critic just shouted in anguish and shouted, “What have you _done_?!”

 

The street was blocked off by traffic cones as city workers tried to siphon off the water that was flooding the area. Several cars were in a pileup nearby, having skidded on the water and causing a crash. The critic could see now that his own car was submerged in about two feet of water.  This was the handiwork of the man who was still lounging calmly in the kiddie pool.

 

“Did you deliberately pop open that fire hydrant?!” the critic demanded.

 

“Had to. It was so damn hot today, and I really wanted a swim.”

 

“Then why didn’t you just go to the public pool?!”

 

“They banned me,” the man said sadly. Then a scowl overtook his face as he added, “And the fancy private pool tells me they’re ‘currently at capacity’. Hmph. Bastards.”

 

The critic sighed and sat on the curb, his feet in the water, as he waited for a tow truck to clear away the pileup.

 

The next morning, Newt and Hermann were sitting at the bar when the relative quiet was interrupted by Raleigh banging open the door. “Hey-ohhhhh!” he shouted as he walked in, waving a newspaper over his head. “Look, they reviewed our bar!”

 

“Read it out loud,” said Chuck, who had emerged from the back office. “Dad! Tendo!”

  
“MAKO!” Raleigh screamed. “Hey, Mako, we got reviewed! Mako, come here! Look at this review we just got!”

 

“Okay, okay, Raleigh,” Mako said, as she, Herc, and Tendo joined the rest of the bar staff. “I heard you the first time.”

 

Raleigh cleared his throat and began, “’ The first thing I noticed about The Shatterdome is its charm.’”

 

“Hey!” Newt exclaimed with a smile. “That’s good!”

 

“Yeah, that’s awesome,” Tendo said. Everyone began murmuring and congratulating each other until Raleigh cleared his throat again.

 

“’The first thing I noticed about The Shatterdome is its charm: it has none.’”

 

“What?!” Hermann said, a scowl overtaking his face.

 

“’There was an ominous feeling that you could get stabbed at any moment - most likely by the ornately-dressed patron who was surrounded by what could only be described as henchmen. When I ordered a glass of wine, not only did the surly, blue-haired waitress refuse to make it, she proceeded to call me a word that I cannot print in this paper. I was forced to listen to the classless boors who call themselves the owners get drunk and yell over each other. The two German owners mostly just screamed at one another, but the American and the Australian owners got into an actual fist fight in their own bar. When I finally could take no more and left, I found that the entire street had been flooded by the other Australian owner who had popped open a fire hydrant and set up a kiddie wading pool, claiming that he had no other choice since it was such a hot day. The flood created all sorts of traffic and I was unable to leave the bar for another thirty minutes, during which the fist fight escalated.’”

 

“Surly?! I am not surly! I am a very kind lady!”

 

“You _did_ call that man a –“

 

“I know what I called him!”

 

“I am not a classless boor!”

 

“’At capacity,’ those bastards –“

 

“What was I supposed to do, let Raleigh have the last word, and –“

 

“I am _not_ a classless boor!”

 

Raleigh ignored the yelling and concluded, “’Having reviewed every bar in the city, I hereby officially declare The Shatterdome to be the worst bar in Hong Kong.’”

 

For once, there was an actual moment of silence in The Shatterdome as everyone contemplated those words. The owners looked at each other and all let out burdened sighs. 

**Author's Note:**

> Some dialogue was borrowed from the It's Always Sunny episode "Charlie Got Molested," and of course, "Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia," from which the majority of that review comes from. Other relevant episode: "Mac and Charlie: White Trash" (fire hydrant and pools being at capacity). For your edification, the following episodes contain a Green Man appearance (he's far less elusive than he is in The Shatterdome): "The Gang Gets Invincible," "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest," and "The World Series Defense" -- as of this writing, anyway.
> 
> One particular line about Newt and Hermann came from [zevri on tumblr](http://zevri.tumblr.com/post/57847344590/i-bet-people-make-up-jaeger-pilot-facts-the-way-people), and it read: "one time hermann and newt kissed in front of a kaiju and it immediately went to post on its blog about its feels” so i proceeded to laugh until I was coughing really hard. So I asked for permission to use a variant of it. 
> 
> COA: This is just for my own amusement. No copyright infringment intended. Any resemblances you may find to actual people, living or dead, shows you have strange friends.


End file.
